The first thing you’ll notice about Venice is how closely they modeled it after the Disney World Italy exhibit. Those Venetians are pretty good at copying our architecture. The second thing you’ll notice are the pigeons.
In our hotel someone left a copy of Rick Steve’s book on Italy. In it I read Rick Steve’s little blurb on pigeons in Venice. He says if you are pooped on try to resist the temptation of wiping it off because you’ll just smear it in deeper. Instead, he says, let it dry and then allow it to flake off. I will bet my next three paychecks that no one has ever left a pigeon turd to dry on their head before flicking it away. Can you imagine being on your honeymoon sitting in a gondola and whoosh, squirsh, plorp a giant nasty pile of pigeon guano lands on your wife’s head? You instantly grab her hand and wiggle your finger in the universal sign for “My darling, please do not wipe that disgusting dollop of pigeon shit from your beautiful hair. Remember what Rick Steve’s said, I’m sure it will be dry by dinnertime.” Then it rains.
Oh yes, it rains in Venice. As a matter of fact in the rainy season it often floods parts of Venice. When it’s high tide and rainy St. Mark’s Square is often under a foot or more of water. Warning sirens blast this on those days rattling tourists from their beds in frantic search for the bomb shelters. They even have a system of platforms in the more travelled parts of town where you can walk above the water. It’s real tempting to play King of the Mountain while walking on these. Oh the fun it would be just to bump some selfie stick-toting tourist off the platform and into the water. Oops, scoozi.
The entrepreneurial Venetians are now selling plastic boot covers in obnoxiously flourescent colors. Hordes of galosh scuffling cheesey-footed tourists are marching through the water trying to get that snapshot of Aunt Marge feeding a pigeon out of her hands. Don’t feed the pigeons!
These same tourists have no umbrella etiquette either. Venetian streets and alleys are very narrow. Imagine what happens when hundreds of 5-foot 4-inch people with umbrellas are walking through these narrow streets. Eye gouging everywhere. I saw one lady’s umbrella fish-hook this other lady on the Rialto Bridge. Venice is not for pussies.
The nightlife in Venice is a little disappointing. Things tend to shut down early, around 10p.m. Maybe our tour guide knows why. “Venice at night belongs to the rats.” This is very disconcerting considering the Bubonic Plague or Black Death was first brought to Europe through Venice by flea-ridden stowaway rats on ships. Fantastico disgusto!
The food is good in Venice. The seafood is supposedly the best to get. I did have some of the best mussels in light tomato sauce. They say the pizza is not so good because they aren’t allowed to have wood-fired ovens in Venice. I ordered the Pizza Hut hotdog-in-the-crust combo, and got a shrug and a squint from the waiter. So, I opted for the quattro staccione.